Yellow Turban Tribune

President Donald Trump was visiting Israel on Tuesday to show solidarity with Israel in the joint war against Iran. Precautions were taken to ensure that airspace was clear at the time he visited Tel Megiddo National Park alongside Benjamin Netanyahu to ensure there would be no Iranian airstrike during the photo op event.

However, the preparations were for naught as a Jewish man claiming to be from Nazareth rode in on a white horse, evading joint Israeli and American security teams. The ground shook as the man rode in and a lava-filled crater formed in the center of the park. Nabbing both men as he rode by, he tossed them into the crater, ending their lives instantly.

The man, Yeshua Ben Josef, claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ. In an interview with Ha’aretz, Ben Josef, asking to be referred to as ‘Josh,’ spoke of what American officers had been relaying to troops under their command that their goal was to create so much bloodshed that it compelled Christ to return marking the end of the world.

“It really got my attention,” he stated. “These supposed followers of mine thought I would return due to massive bloodshed and for some reason thought I would be on their side. I’m not. That’s the kind of thing that gets you eternal damnation to be completely honest.”

Asked about the comments, Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth wasn’t buying this story. “Who ever heard of a woke Jesus? Jesus isn’t woke – he stands for masculinity and virility and maximum killing power. The real Jesus is going to come and rain vengeance and hellfire upon this fake woke Jesus!”

Biblical scholar Bart Ehrman, formerly of the University of North Carolina, refutes Hegseth’s claims. “While Jesus is often confused with the Prince of Peace, who in actuality was likely the Judean king Hezekiah, he did not call upon his followers to commit violence in his name. Jesus believed that God would handle the violence upon their behalf through the heavenly ‘Son of Man.'”

Pressed further on the matter of whether we may have witnessed the second coming of Jesus, Ehrman rejected this idea. “For Jesus and his followers, the end was upon them. There were those alive with Jesus who would live to see the end. The Anti-Christ and the supposed victory of Christ at Armageddon was supposed to be a contemporary figure to Paul, the Beast in Revelation was most likely a reference to Emperor Nero whose name, when transliterated into Hebrew, adds up to 666.”

Ben Josef scoffed at the idea that he would have been on the side of Trump. “Did anyone pay any attention to what I said about rich people? I’m going to side with some rich guy out there grifting the poor and showing cruelty and hatred? Absolutely not! I said however you treat the least of those around you is how you have treated me – this guy was looking for however he could harm those who are oppressed and suffering. Did nobody get that I stand with those who are oppressed and suffering?”

“Oh, and when I was talking about eunuchs by choice, i was talking about the quedeshim. I’m cool with transgender people and gay people – I’m not cool with those who preach hatred in my name.”

Pressed on Iran, Ben Josef denied a connection to the Islamic nation. “Iran isn’t the bad guy here, but no, I don’t approve of what is happening there. They may not have committed the same human rights violations as Israel and the United States, but their treatment of women and homosexuals is not acceptable.”

Vice President J. D. Vance was sworn in as the 48th president overnight. “The suggestion that God is against Donald Trump is ridiculous” Vance claimed. “Donald Trump was a godly man. A pious man. Donald Trump was doing God’s work on Earth. All this shows is that radical leftists, at home or abroad, are an existential threat to law and order. You can’t just go around making lakes of fire and throwing world leaders into it – and the radical leftists behind this will be held to account.”

Pope Leo excommunicated President Vance over his comments.

Donald Trump’s funeral is to be held on Friday at noon. An empty closed casket will be used to symbolize his body which was unrecoverable.